Twas the night before childbirth...

I just want to document some of my thoughts on this last day of pregnancy (mostly so I remember). (This is the longest post in blog history, but it has been therapeutic to write.) It has been an interesting few days, and it seems surreal that I really will be in a hospital within a day to meet my son.

At the beginning of this pregnancy I knew that I wanted to take a childbirth class. I know it may sound odd to take a class for a fifth child, but I had some intense memories relating to childbirth, and I wanted to feel at ease this time around. Darin and I started the class in my 5th month, and I loved it. I felt like my fears were gone, and I looked forward only with anticipation to delivery. I have a renewed sense of awe at the human body and its abilities. I have had 4 babies, and 4 very different birth experiences so I never know what to tell people when they ask if I come early, late, fast, slow, etc. The answer to all of the above is "yes". I have gone into labor (early) twice on my own and been induced (late) twice. I have had two babies without medication (not by choice) and two with epidurals. My babies keep me (and everyone else) guessing. I have felt for a few months now that I don't want to be induced this time. I have wanted to let things happen naturally and have the chance to put everything I learned in my class to practice.

I felt like this one was coming early. I started having pre-labor symptoms beginning at 37 weeks, and started to adjust my due date mentally. (The ultrasound measurements said the due date was the 14th, so that only helped my mind make the adjustment.) After I was still pregnant at my 38 week appointment and my 39 week appointment, I began to feel silly that I had thought he was coming early--and making others believe it, too. As discussed with my doctor, I had until my due date (the 22nd) before induction was imminent. He didn't want me to go too far past my due date because of the potential risk of delivering a big baby. I felt like the 22nd was my deadline to do this the way I had envisioned. To avoid induction with pitocin I began having my massage therapist start acupressure, I took some herbs that are supposed to soften the cervix, and as the week progressed I had a few sessions of acupuncture (I did my research to make sure this was all safe, and I can attest to the fact that you can't make your body go into labor with theses methods unless it's ready). I refuse to drink castor oil, but if you look on the internet about ways to help nature move along, chances are I've tried it.

Here is the recap of the last few days:

Saturday: Mostly a normal day. I put the baby swing together and did the usual housework. That evening Darin and I went to the adult session of Stake Conference. During the meeting I had several contractions that were beginning to feel like the real thing. I tried to ignore it, and carried on like normal. That night I had lots of contractions that woke me up.

Sunday aka Roller Coaster day: I couldn't sleep anymore so I woke up for good at 5am. I started a load of laundry, folded a load that had been waiting to be folded from the day before, took a bath, and read. Contractions continued. Nothing regular, but they kept coming. The kids and I made breakfast in bed for Darin at around 8am, then opened presents (Cologne, a hat, favorite treats and one on one dates from each of the kids). We got ready for Stake Conference and headed out the door just before 10. Contractions continued. The last hour of conference they began to get pretty regular (about 10 minutes apart). We came home, had a yummy Father's Day dinner (steak, garlic mashed potatoes, asparagus, and apple crisp with vanilla ice cream for dessert). Contractions continued, and began to take a lot more concentration to get through. At this point they were about 7 minutes apart, and not letting up. I knew for sure this was it. I was so excited! Father's Day and the first day of summer would be such a cool birthday (and it was Olivia's guess for when he was coming), and going into labor during the day made for easy childcare arrangements. I didn't hesitate at all to call my parents' house to put them on alert--after all, I had been having contractions that were becoming longer, stronger, and closer together for several hours. I have had 4 babies, and I know what a contraction feels like. I also know what the real thing is, and this was it for sure. We had made arrangements to meet my family at a concert in the park (unless something else drastic happened before then) to celebrate Father's Day. We planned to leave our kids with someone in my family when it was time to head to the hospital. I had my bag packed in the back of the van just in case. Then, on the way over to the park, the contractions stopped. Cold turkey. We showed up at the park, and that's when the roller coaster went from the highest high to the lowest low. I was trying to be fine, but I wasn't. I held it together until my dad came over, put his hands on my shoulders and asked how I was doing. I started to cry. Exhaustion + Hormones = Tears. Lots of tears. I haven't slept well for several weeks, and I went from just knowing I was in labor to feeling like I don't know what I'm talking about in a matter of a few minutes. I felt silly for telling people that this was definitely not a false alarm only for it to turn out to be a false alarm. We headed home, and I asked Darin to give me a blessing. I cried all the way through that, then got pajamas on, ready to escape. As everyone else was getting ready for bed we got a phone call from my sister. She said she was on her way to pick up the kids to sleep at her house. I thought it was unnecessary, but I helped the kids get ready anyway. It turned out to be the best thing for them to be gone. It let me explore my thoughts and have a good chance to rest without any other responsibilities. Darin and I watched a movie (that I dozed through), and when I headed up to bed I saw that the clock read 12:22 am. The waterworks started up again. I'm not sure exactly why, but I'm guessing it had something to do with the fact that the deadline had officially arrived and I had failed (silly, I know). I sobbed for several minutes, then fell asleep.

Monday: Again, I had several contractions that woke me up during the night. I woke up early, had a bath, ate breakfast, then tried to go back to sleep. I was pleasantly surprised to find Darin still home when I woke up for the second time. He said he was working from home (made much easier with no kids around), and I asked if he would take phone calls for me. I was feeling very un-social, somewhat unstable, and didn't want to talk about having a baby. Even though I was feeling un-social, I still felt loved knowing that my family and friends were checking on me. Darin and I went to lunch together, then headed to my doctor's appointment. I was still emotionally very fragile, and I didn't know how I was going to react if he told me I was still dilated to a 1. Fortunately there was a change (I was a 3), so I at least knew that the contractions I had been having all weekend did something and that I wasn't completely crazy. That's when we set the date for Wednesday. I still don't want to be induced, but I feel at peace about it. As much as I would love for him to come on his own, I am physically and emotionally spent.

Darin and I went to my sister's house to have dinner with the kids, and they all wanted to sleep over another night. I was happy to let them, and grateful that they were having fun with new (meaning different) toys and spending time with cousins (my brother's kids are staying with my parents for the week, and Jodi and her kids met my kids at the swimming pool). After the kids were settled, Darin and I went on a long walk around the temple. I figured it would either help things progress or make me tired enough to have a good night's sleep. It definitely made me tired, and I had the best sleep I've had in a long, long time. It's amazing how sleep can give you perspective.

Tuesday: Darin has taken the rest of the week off, and it has been so fun to just hang out with him. We have had two days to ourselves to do whatever. I miss my kids, but I know they wouldn't be having much fun here with me in my current state. It's crazy to think that I only have one more night as a pregnant person. I think I'm still hesitant to believe it's really happening. The rest of this birth story will continue tomorrow (and hopefully be MUCH shorter)