Quite an Afternoon

I need to interrupt the Christmas posting to share a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad afternoon. I was supposed to take treats to Olivia's class yesterday. As I was backing out, I heard a "thud", and thought, "Please, don't let that be what I thought that was." Every time I back up or pull forward into the garage, I always go very slowly for fear of this very thing. I looked under the van, and sure enough, our cat's collar and a couple of small sections of fur, but no cat. I kept searching to find the cat, but couldn't see him. Sean said he saw him run over to our neighbor's house, so I looked and found him sitting under their parked trailor (a normal hiding spot for him). I got on the ground and tried to coax him out, but he wouldn't come. I was on my belly trying to call to him, but he just sat there and meowed. I couldn't reach him. He didn't look like he was in pain, and I was now late to take the treats to Olivia's class. I said a quick prayer that he would be o.k. and I left. I was absolutely devastated that I had run over my own cat. I had a flashback to last June when my sister's dog, Kady, died while in my care only a few days before she was supposed to go back with my sister (I was taking care of her two dogs for 6 months). Those wounds and feelings of guilt came rushing back in, and I just thought I could not handle feeling responsible for the loss of another pet. As I arrived at Olivia's school and got the boys out, I realized that I had buckled David securely into his car seat, which was not buckled into the car. Great. After we gave out the treats, my mind immediately went back to the cat. We arrived home and looked under the trailor. No cat. We looked around our house and around the neighborhood. No sign of him. Sean's friend came over to see if he (Sean) could play. I asked him if he had seen the cat. I told him what had happened, and he responded, "You know, that can kill your cat. They start to bleed inside, and then they die." Huh. Thanks for the reminder. It was around dinnertime that I realized that he wasn't just roaming the neighborhood. We named him Shadow for a reason. He was always our little shadow. He was never far away, and he loves people. As I was making dinner, the water works started. I was sobbing, and kept opening the door to see if he had come back. He didn't. After dinner, we went ice skating with my side of the family for Family Home Evening. It was a great distraction, and we all had a great time. The tears came again when we got home and saw his bed and his chair empty. We left the garage cracked open just in case he decided to come home in the middle of the night. Of course, I dreamed about him all night. In one dream Darin came in from the garage saying, "Look who came home" and in another dream he came limping home and we nursed him back to health. But we woke up to an empty garage, and the tears came again. It makes me absolutely sick to think of his cold, dead body somewhere out there. Not knowing is the worst. Oh, and did I mention that it was Olivia's birthday yesterday? Ask me how awesome I feel right now.

I would like to thank my friends who have reassured me that I am not the crazy cat lady for being so emotional about the whole thing. Experience has taught me that I will get over it, but I really don't think I can handle having pets. I didn't ask for this cat. He was a stray that adopted us. He was the perfect fit for our family, and I loved him immediately. Thanks for letting me get it all out. I'm hoping that writing about it will make the mourning process go faster than it did last time.