Couldn't Sleep

Last night right before bed Darin told me the most disturbing story he had heard on the news.  It had been on his mind all day and so it just came out when we were talking before bed.  I won't share it with you so that you can sleep tonight (You're welcome).  I told him this morning that apparently my mind can't handle such bedtime stories because I woke up at 1:30am, did a load of laundry, checked my e-mail and tried (unsuccessfully) to go back to sleep.  My mind wouldn't shut down.  I started by thinking about the news story, then my brain went in the direction it has been going for quite a while now...in circles.  I did eventually doze off, but I realized that I have had a lot on my mind for a long time and I feel like I need to get it out somewhere.  I'm not sure this will flow or make sense, but here goes...

We announced on this blog and on facebook a couple of days ago that baby #6 is on his way.  I stewed about it because I know that it will be difficult for some to hear that we are welcoming a sixth child when they want desperately to have one or are struggling to add to their families and 6 is nowhere on the horizon.  I know there are others who will think it is ridiculous and irresponsible to have such a big family.  And then I realized that no matter what other people think, I feel confident that I am living the life I want to live.  That's what got my mind to start in the circle. 

I started thinking about the injustice of the fertility battle.  I know I am no better or deserving at all than the women who desperately want to have children and cannot.  Certainly the women strung out on drugs that have baby after baby without wanting them or caring for them are not better than those that struggle with infertility.  Every time I have taken a positive pregnancy test my first reaction is joy and my second reaction is guilt.  And even though some of those positives have turned into miscarriages and I have experienced a small dose of infertility heartache, I have been able to add to my family.  I'm not sure why I have been able to and others have not. 

I thought about how good I really have it.  I thought about the fact that I grew up in a loving and safe home and the fact that I can provide that for my kids, too, I also thought about the millions in the world who don't have that love and security.  The ones for whom abuse, uncertainty and confusion are a part of daily life.  The tears flowed; because I felt so grateful for my life and also because I felt so sad that things like abuse (in any form) even exist. 

I thought about the fact that the way I live my life today is based on lots of things:  The personality and the traits I was born with, my upbringing, my life experiences and my choices.  All of those things have helped to shape who I have become and am still becoming. I then thought about the fact that everyone that walks the earth lives the way they live based on the same things.  I don't have to answer for your actions and you don't have to answer for mine.  But I firmly believe that we will have to answer for our own actions and that all of the things listed above (and maybe others) will be taken into consideration.  I think we all need to be a little more understanding and tolerant of each other and realize that we're all trying to do our best.  Only I know what my best is and only you know what your best is.

I read an article not too long ago that really struck a cord with me.  I agreed with so much of the author's point of view.  He was saying that so often we put stipulations on the commandment to "Love One Another".  He said that a lot of people put conditions on their love toward others and that the Bible doesn't.  Love others.  Period.  (Even if you don't believe in the Bible, it's still good advice.) That was the phrase that has stayed with me.  I wanted to shout an "Amen!" when I read that.  Undoubtedly there are people who disagree with your life philosophies, your religious views (or lack thereof), your political views, your fashion sense (or lack thereof), your family planning, the car you drive, etc. etc. etc.  You probably don't even have to look very far to find them.  So if it's inevitable that we will disagree on some things, where does this leave us?  Sometimes it seems hopeless, but I don't think it has to be.  It comes down to one thing: Respect.  Back to the Golden Rule.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Tolerance doesn't mean embracing another's views and opinions as your own.  It can't mean that.  There are about as many ways to look at things as there are people on the planet.  Tolerance does mean that you acknowledge that there is more than one way to look at things.  To live your life the way you choose and allow others to do the same.  It's not THAT we disagree, it's HOW we disagree that makes the difference.  Name calling, generalizations about groups of people, making light or poking fun of people all cause pain and perpetuate a vicious cycle.

I can't count the number of conversations I've had with my kids about this topic.  Every time there is a story in the news about a life taken or altered by bullying we talk about it again.  It is becoming an epidemic in this country and it needs to stop.

I am confident that my "happily ever after" would be a nightmare for someone else. Dishes, laundry, homework, volunteering, changing diapers, etc. etc. But it brings me tremendous joy and I wouldn't want anything different for my life (this is not to say that every day is sunshine and roses and I love every second.  Trust me when I say that I have moments--sometimes several a day--that are far less than ideal, but at the end of the day, I wouldn't trade it for anything). It takes all kinds to make the world beautiful and diverse and we have a lot to learn from each other.  We can only see the world through our own eyes and our own experiences. If we encounter something that is foreign to us, we can take a minute and try to understand. It may not change our minds about that thing, but we can come closer to understanding how someone else could feel that way.  It is not my mission in life to make people think how I think and feel how I feel.  The world would be such a boring place if we all had the same opinions and interests. I hope that I'm living in a way that is loving, kind and tolerant of others.

I can't change the world.  I can't stop the abuse.  I can't cure infertility.  I can't cure deadly disease.  I can't take away all the heartache that comes with hard things.  But I can make a difference in my corner of the world and so can you.  We can raise our children to be kind.  We can take part of the load off someone who is overwhelmed.  We can listen to someone that needs to talk.  We can cry with someone that is sad.  We can treat others with respect.  We can be sensitive to others' feelings. We can make sure our words and actions are consistent with what we know to be true.  We can love others.  Period.  And that WILL make a difference.

**Post Edit:  I re-read this and wondered how it would come across to people who don't live inside my brain.  I realized that it might come across as a "don't judge me for having a lot of kids" post.  I can assure you that is not the case.  The paragraphs about tolerance and mutual respect have been on my mind for many many months and have everything to do with how I wish the world worked in general and nothing to do with how people feel about me adding to my family.  It just so happens that the baby stuff was on my brain when it finally came out on the blog.  I hope that makes sense.  :)