and other life lessons I learned about potty training.
David wasn't potty trained until after he was four. We tried everything...sticker charts, rewards, punishments, bribes, threats, praise, etc. My other kids were potty trained around 2 1/2. This was not how it was supposed to work. The longer it went on, the more frustrating it became. I knew he knew how to go by himself and I was so sick of changing man poop diapers. He knew when he had to go and sometimes he would go on the toilet and sometimes he would request a diaper when it was time to do his business. Sometimes I put a diaper on him. Sometimes I didn't. Sometimes when I didn't put him in a diaper I would be supportive and kind. Other times I would be, well, not so supportive and kind. The poor kid was so confused. I knew I needed to be consistent. When I took the diapers all the way away so that his safety net was gone he would hold it for astronomical amounts of time (I think his record was 15 hours. The kid didn't pee for 15 hours and then when his poor little body couldn't hold it in anymore he let loose on the computer chair). I started to worry about bladder infections. I also worried about his emotional health. I would get so frustrated and say some pretty awful things to him. Then I would feel guilty and try very hard to praise him when he succeeded. Nothing was working. My wake up call came when loving relationships began to suffer (including his relationship with me). He was more sad and serious than he was before. I finally prayed and prayed to know what to do. I was frustrated and nothing I did was working. In fact, it was making it worse. In my mind came an experience with a boy I nannied (back when I was 19). He was four and was once potty trained and then he started to have accidents. His parents would have me sit in the bathroom with him
forever while he sat on the toilet. I would read books to him, sing songs to him, etc. and he would say he didn't have to go. As soon as he got off the toilet he would hide under the kitchen table and poop his pants. When I remembered this experience I realized...this has nothing to do with what is coming out of their bodies. It's about what's going on inside their little heads.
I knew that if I could see inside David's head and know what his anxiety was about we would be diaper free in no time. But since I couldn't see inside his head, I was left to wait it out and let him work through whatever issues he had. I felt confident that it was the right option for him...regardless of what anyone else said (or thought). As much as it killed me to see my (over) four year old in diapers (and continue to have to change them), I knew that was my best option. I knew that he needed to feel my love and acceptance for him regardless of his potty training status. So the undies stayed in his drawer, he went back to diapers and I bit my tongue. When he pooped in his diaper, I simply said, "Let's go change your bum." And I would. Pleasantly. Even though inside I was thinking to myself, "I should NOT have to be changing a four year old's diaper!!!" He didn't hear me say it or even sense that I was feeling it. And then something happened. My happy, funny, carefree David was back. And before too long, he was completely potty trained. With no accidents. You would think that with all of my worry and anxiety about the situation that I would know the exact day that he was potty trained. Marked on the calendar with giant stars and happy faces. I don't know the date. I don't even know the month. It was a process. One that I had very little to do with. I didn't try to influence him at all. It was a very concious decision to keep my mouth shut when I was tempted to say anything negative (and I prayed for patience a LOT during this time).
Here is what I learned:
1) We have absolutely NO control over their bodily functions. It is the one area that is theirs to control (what goes in and what comes out). It became my philosophy that if we allow them that control willingly, they will figure it out sooner rather than later. If we try to control their control, they still have it to use as they wish and we both end up feeling frustrated.
2) Relationships are the most important thing. The most devastating thing about my experience with David is how much time I wasted thinking of new ways to make it work and being frustrated with him. I was talking to a friend about this several months ago when I had reached my decision to just let him do it on his own time. She told me that she, too, had similar feelings when potty training one of her children. As she spoke to her in-laws about it, they said, "We felt the same way with Zachary. And then he drowned. And when he was gone, suddenly potty training didn't seem so important." It really hit home. Talk about perspective! People are more important than their poop.
3) Most four-year-olds are potty trained. If they aren't (or if they were and are no longer), there's a reason for it. They may not be able to verbalize it, but there's something going on. I don't have a degree. In anything. But I believe that with all my heart. David is my fourth child. You would think that I would be a potty training expert after having gone through it three times before. I wasn't (I'm still not). This really threw me and forced me to forget what I thought I knew. It could have been that he was mourning the loss of his spot as the baby. It could have been that he wasn't ready to grow up. Maybe he was scared that he would go down the toilet or that he was losing a little bit of himself with each flush. It could have been any number of things. It was not that he wanted to make my life miserable. Whatever it was, he figured it out.
4) Parents really are the best experts for their children. My experience taught me that just because you've done something and it worked for one child it doesn't mean it will work for the next one. I have five children with five very different personalities. It is good to read and study about parenting, but at the end of the day, if you're doing something because you feel pressure to measure up to other moms or because you're comparing your child's progress with another child's progress or because an expert said to do it that way and it doesn't feel right for you or your child, don't do it. Shut out the outside voices and follow your gut. Let them say you're wrong. Maybe you will be. But you'll learn and get closer to the answer. As parents we know and love our children more than anyone else on earth. We are the ones who are responsible for their happiness and well being and if something feels not quite right, it's probably not. And if something does feel right, it probably is.
As it turned out, he really did want to pee in the water. He just wanted to lead himself there.
